Jen's Guide to Bullshitting Your Way Through an Art Show
To begin, the first thing you must consider is what you will wear. It is important to include items of clothing that do not match. For example, wear a red plaid jacket with pink polka dots and something covered in paint. And practice making lots of big hand gestures. This adds to your I-am-an-artist-and-I-know-what-I-am-talking-about appearance, which will give you credibility when you start to discuss art with strangers.
Make sure you do not eat anything before you go to the show. This is for two reasons. First, you want to make sure that you have an excuse to leave early. Second, you want the alcohol to go straight to your head, to help you to say outlandish statements with loud conviction.
Never arrive early. The best time to arrive is just after halfway through. You want to make sure there are enough people already there so that you don't waste anytime just looking at the art. Remember, art shows are about drinking and socializing, not about the the crap on the walls.
Here are some key words and phrases to use when talking about art work: "profound", "emotionally complex", "willfully misunderstood", "prepubescent sanctimony", "profoundly challenging", "a source of considerable perplexity", "possesses a disturbing eroticism", "frequently disturbing psychological content", "the ordained collective memory shrouds the awkward vital perversity of the era"*. The best thing to do is to string as many of these phrases together into one sentence as possible. And never hesitate to make up a word by combining any of your key words, for example, "erotoplexity" or "prepubesancticious".
Never talk about anything specific. In the art world, the most important concept is UNIVERSALISM. Everything should be related to everything. So therefore, when you are talking about art work in a gallery setting, always refer to the art in very general terms. For example, "the artist uses broken brush strokes to symbolize the PROFOUNDLY CHALLENGING decay of the universe", "the portraits by this artist POSSESS A DISTURBING EROTICISM that represents the EMOTIONALLY COMPLEX PSYCHOLOGICAL PERPLEXITY of humanity".
At some point during the exhibit, find the artist and force them to pose with you in front of a piece. Tell them it is your favorite, but just pick any that is close by. While you are getting ready to have your picture taken, make sure you tell the artist your incredibly intelligent responses to their work, and just before the flash goes off, pinch their butt so that you get that nice, intimate feel to the picture.
When you decide that you've had enough, make sure you do a long round of goodbyes. EVERYONE at the gallery should get an air kiss on both cheeks. Even if you don't know them. And be sure to announce loudly as you head towards the door, "Toodleloo luvies, see you all next week".
*Doug Harvey, I Art the '80s, LA Weekly: March 22, 2006 (http://www.laweekly.com/art/12933/i-art-the-80s/)
posted by Jen @ 8:20 PM 
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